Surrendering To The Process

I keep hearing people describe what we’re experiencing in the world as a kind of pause. Everything simply going on hold. However, in some ways it seems like this “pause” has caused a ripple effect of frenzy, stress, and dysfunction (with some exceptions). Some may have found their peace in this, but for the rest of us it could be easy to mistake this pause as a sort of punishment, and what seemed like a break from work and responsibility soon turns into feelings of confinement and stifled creativity.

When I found my sources of creativity limited to just the enthrallments of my room, my fridge, the internet, and my occasional trip to the porch, I realized I was only really left with myself to explore. I could no longer seek inspiration outside of myself in the ways I was use to. I had to go within. And what I discovered was that — the most challenging part of creating is that it’s deeply personal, and this makes it difficult to let the process unfold on its own accord.

Here I was with all this “time” which proved to be an illusion, and still I couldn’t bring myself to produce anything more than the surface level. I couldn’t connect with what I wanted to say or what should be said. I made a commitment to showing up for this journal, and as the words refused to meet me where I needed, I wrestled with the idea that maybe this wasn’t meant for me.

“To write from a place of genuine authenticity is to go to a place deep within you without fear.”

FEAR.

While writing for this journal I wasn’t prepared for what the process alone would reveal. To put it simply I was afraid.

In each attempt to write I told myself “okay, Tierra now is the time to be honest” “be authentic” “express your true self.” These thoughts, birthed from fear, overwhelmed me and blindfolded me from the most intimate parts of myself.

Fear was a roadblock, standing in the way of getting to the place where I could be okay with seeing my true self. I reacted in a very human way. I fought it. Instead of accepting that I was afraid, I resisted the idea that maybe this process was bringing up things about myself that scared me — things I unconsciously didn’t believe I was ready to discover.

I hadn’t yet found a way to be okay with seeing my true self reflected back to me. I couldn’t get to a place where I was comfortable with letting the pages be a mirror. And I soon realized It took more energy to fight against fear than it took to simply accept it.

So I was left with no choice but to surrender…

How can we ***allow*** ourselves to see ALL that we are?

Taking a step back, instead of focusing on the outcome and results I pivoted my focus on my feelings of doubt and fear. I allowed myself to see them, and acknowledge that they were there, that this is scary.

A lot of times we accuse ourselves of giving up when we choose not to fight, but we often underestimate the transformation that can happen when we decide to surrender instead.

When I was able to surrender I was able to see my fears for what they really were —a manifestation of my anxiety and my need to excel to perfection. First I gave them a name, then I proceeded to give the parts of me where they lived the love and attention they deserved.

I hadn’t written anything worth keeping. I hadn’t created or posted anything on Instagram. I just stayed in my room lying in bed, feeling and accepting all that I was in those moments. Until finally, after showering myself with grace and love through each moment, I reached the point where I was able to write without hearing fewer words of negativity. No some were completely gone, but when they occurred I acknowledged that it was simply fear and slowly moved beyond it.

The process of creating is almost never a simple one because it is so intricately connected with the process of life itself. We are beings of nature having a very real human experience. We can’t expect ourselves to produce at the drop of a dime and on cue. It’s not realistic.

Every process presents an outcome near the end, and in order to get to that place, we have to leave some room for life to take place within it. We surrender just as much as is required. and we believe in ourselves enough to let go. We have to start putting the same faith we place on things outside of ourselves into our own inner strength and capabilities.

What I know now is that I had to become okay with seeing my whole self naked, and become even more okay with sharing that image with others. Had I not stopped fighting my fears and stayed in refusal of acknowledging my thoughts of self0doubt, I would’ve stayed in fight mode. My decision to surrender was my key to moving forward — taking the next step. Sometimes action isn’t required. Only stillness, acceptance, and compassion.